I'm having a bad day.
I'm not feeling sick.. my hair looks fine.. I'm not on my period..
I even stepped on the scale this morning to find myself 2 lbs lighter
but I always weigh less in the morning for some reason.
I just don't feel like myself.
I don't want to talk or go out; I just want to lay on the couch in my sweats.
With a pan of brownies.
I feel ugly.
I feel fat.
I know emotional eating is unhealthy. But how insanely backwards is it that the emotion that drives my binge eating is that of feeling fat? Or the pathetic fact that "fat" now has its very own emoji in my mind.
And if I didn't recognize that I am not alone in these destructive thoughts, I would be too embarrassed by their irrationality to confess them to the world.
The truth is, though, that my stubborn personality needs to be OK to have a "bad day." In fact, I now take as many "bad days" as my body needs to replenish the voids from deprivation. Not to mention the 3 day period of eating only PopTarts because they sounded yummy and had been off limits for so long. But that's what it took for my body to realize that I don't even really like PopTarts. (and I'm not recommending this by the way).
Sometimes is seems that what my taste buds like eating is the opposite of what my body actually likes digesting. But I know it takes time and rehabilitation to figure out a balance between the two. Once harmony is achieved between these seemingly polar opposites, the body has an amazing ability to shed off unnecessary fat and maintain a healthy weight. I am finding this balance by experimenting with food that has been off limits and figuring out what my taste buds and body together truly enjoy eating.
Now the thought of eating a whole pan of brownies makes me sick. Just 2 or 3 will satisfy my sweet tooth :)
A whole day should not be wasted with this fiendish, self deprecating cycle.
Food is here for us to enjoy.
And once our body knows it is no longer in starvation mode, it will rest.
It will stop holding on to every calorie that it tries to digest.
It will no longer feel like a bottomless pit.
Be nice to your body.
And it will be nice to you.